Things a man should never do on the golf course

Drive and operate the beverage cart

Wear knee-length socks

Quote Rush Limbaugh

Wear red and black on Sunday

I go all out crazy when I am alone.Sometimes even with a fourball in social game....


I'll start talking to the ducks, fall down and cover when a ball is hit into us. I'll use rediculous phrases out on the course and just take my inner child out for a walk:)

Few absolute rules for civilised adult male golfers but there are two iron-clads:

1. It is permitted to urinate while on the golf course but only when visually shielded from other players and any residents or nearby dwellings or occupants in vehicles on adjoining roadways. As always, follow the "golden" rule and only urinate where it would be well nigh impossible for anyone's ball to land on the spot of your piddle.

2. It is NEVER EVER permissable to defecate on a golf course.

Mongrel wrote:Few absolute rules for civilised adult male golfers but there are two iron-clads:

1. It is permitted to urinate while on the golf course but only when visually shielded from other players and any residents or nearby dwellings or occupants in vehicles on adjoining roadways. As always, follow the "golden" rule and only urinate where it would be well nigh impossible for anyone's ball to land on the spot of your piddle.

2. It is NEVER EVER permissable to defecate on a golf course.

My dad plays in an informal golf league of about 50 retired government/military men. They have about 40 players show up about 2 times a week at various courses around the Albuquerque. One of the guys used to pee on the tee box of the third hole in this ladies hedge. She asked and the told the guy a couple of time to please stop doing that and he ignored her. So she took a picture of his small pennis in hand and his mug. Each week before they teed off she'd post a "have you seen this pennis or man?" glossy with text explaining what a db he was to pee in someones back yard on the bulletin board in the snack bar. Pretty funny shit. He stopped peeing on her hedge and she stopped posting the glossies.

With the severe drought I keep reading about in New Mexico and several adjoining states, I would imagine she might be appreciative of the free irrigation. On the other hand, a tiny amount of black powder with a small remote detonator buried under the hedge at the spot of the frequent urination and triggered by her when she saw the yellow stream begin would also have made a real lasting impression on the miscreant.

Men can do whatever the hell they want all the course.

Things that I find very unmanly are...
1) Using a cart heater or cart cover in the winter. You walk in the winter, and it's uncomfortable and cold, but you don't look like a total p#ssy.

2) Overdressing for the elements. Sock hats when it's 60 degrees, rain pants when it's cloudy, etc.

3) Being anal about organization. Men aren't overly concerned that each club is in its proper bag slot, and they don't need 4 tees in their right pocket at all times.

4) Being superstitious. You don't have a lucky ball marker.

5) Wearing magnet braceletes. They don't work, and you are basically wearing stupid looking jewelry.

6) Pacing off yardage on a par three tee box. Use a laser or just fucking guess that you are 5 yards in front of the blue plate.

Horseballs wrote:Men can do whatever the hell they want all the course.

Things that I find very unmanly are...
1) Using a cart heater or cart cover in the winter. You walk in the winter, and it's uncomfortable and cold, but you don't look like a total p#ssy.

2) Overdressing for the elements. Sock hats when it's 60 degrees, rain pants when it's cloudy, etc.

3) Being anal about organization. Men aren't overly concerned that each club is in its proper bag slot, and they don't need 4 tees in their right pocket at all times.

4) Being superstitious. You don't have a lucky ball marker.

5) Wearing magnet braceletes. They don't work, and you are basically wearing stupid looking jewelry.

6) Pacing off yardage on a par three tee box. Use a laser or just fucking guess that you are 5 yards in front of the blue plate.

Some buddies of mine used to look for the nearest marker and pace off EVERY approach shot.

It used to be painful to watch. These days they all have laser rangefinders so pacing off the shot is a thing of the past. Thankfully!

Mongrel wrote:With the severe drought I keep reading about in New Mexico and several adjoining states, I would imagine she might be appreciative of the free irrigation. On the other hand, a tiny amount of black powder with a small remote detonator buried under the hedge at the spot of the frequent urination and triggered by her when she saw the yellow stream begin would also have made a real lasting impression on the miscreant.

I was thinking a hidden electrical fence would do the trick. Let expensive and would be quite entertaining.

Mongrel wrote:Few absolute rules for civilised adult male golfers but there are two iron-clads:

1. It is permitted to urinate while on the golf course but only when visually shielded from other players and any residents or nearby dwellings or occupants in vehicles on adjoining roadways. As always, follow the "golden" rule and only urinate where it would be well nigh impossible for anyone's ball to land on the spot of your piddle.

2. It is NEVER EVER permissable to defecate on a golf course.

With the rare exceptions of lactose intolerance reactions, I agree.

I should have qualified that as "....on a golf course you think you might play again." Of course there have been some I've played once that I could have gladly made turdish deposits on to ensure that I wouldn't be tempted to return. Like in a little pot bunker with about two square feet of level area in the bottom that sits next to a tucked pin. And cover it with about a half inch of sand and smooth it down to that the next gambler who goes for the stick and misses on the beach will have a real surprise when he carves the perfect sand divot under his well-struck sand shot. Argghhhh.

Mongrel wrote:I should have qualified that as "....on a golf course you think you might play again." Of course there have been some I've played once that I could have gladly made turdish deposits on to ensure that I wouldn't be tempted to return. Like in a little pot bunker with about two square feet of level area in the bottom that sits next to a tucked pin. And cover it with about a half inch of sand and smooth it down to that the next gambler who goes for the stick and misses on the beach will have a real surprise when he carves the perfect sand divot under his well-struck sand shot. Argghhhh.

I had one bad short game shot this weekend. Nice 1" deep soft sand on top of packed, hard pan sand. Ball was sitting down and my feet dug in about 2 plus inches so I figured I had an easy chunk and run lie that turn into a wedge bounce and skull shot across the green. Chipped back to a foot and made the putt, so I got that going for me.

A man should also never pull out some garbage Top Flite on the tee of a par 3 over water. Unless he has been playing the same garbage Top Flite for all the other holes.

A couple years back the foursome I was playing with got up to a green that was in the back of the course. We all got on the green and when one of the guys went to pull the flag, some rotten SOB had shit in the hole. We all took a one putt wherever they were laying, stuck the flag back in and left it for the next foursome and when we made the turn notified the groundskeeper, who wasn't very happy.

jt1135 wrote:A couple years back the foursome I was playing with got up to a green that was in the back of the course. We all got on the green and when one of the guys went to pull the flag, some rotten SOB had shit in the hole. We all took a one putt wherever they were laying, stuck the flag back in and left it for the next foursome and when we made the turn notified the groundskeeper, who wasn't very happy.

It wasn't me. I swear.

jt1135 wrote:A couple years back the foursome I was playing with got up to a green that was in the back of the course. We all got on the green and when one of the guys went to pull the flag, some rotten SOB had shit in the hole. We all took a one putt wherever they were laying, stuck the flag back in and left it for the next foursome and when we made the turn notified the groundskeeper, who wasn't very happy.

Sergio must have five putted.

He should never:

Use iron covers

Wear Dickies shorts

Spit sunflower seeds on the green

Here is a big one and something I've seen at country clubs. Don't flirt and hug the 23 year old cart girl if you are a guy in his 40's or above.

Don't dress like Ricky Fowler if you are older than 35. There is a 32-year old guy in our group who dresses in Puma gear because he likes Fowler. He is right on the verge of looking really stupid.

Mongrel wrote:Few absolute rules for civilised adult male golfers but there are two iron-clads:

1. It is permitted to urinate while on the golf course but only when visually shielded from other players and any residents or nearby dwellings or occupants in vehicles on adjoining roadways. As always, follow the "golden" rule and only urinate where it would be well nigh impossible for anyone's ball to land on the spot of your piddle.

2. It is NEVER EVER permissable to defecate on a golf course.

It is a Man's right to piss wherever/whenever he wants/needs to. If it happens to be on the 4th tee box, then let it go.
I also believe it's a Man's right to fart wherever/whenever he wants to. If I let one rip as you start your downswing.....well, too bad!

Women, on the other hand must wait for the turn or the finish before they can do their *ahem* business. Wifey is a trooper and always holds it in, in anticipation of the restrooms at the 10th. But, like me, she'll let one go as I'm putting

FamousDavis wrote:He should never:

Use iron covers

Wear Dickies shorts

Spit sunflower seeds on the green

Here is a big one and something I've seen at country clubs. Don't flirt and hug the 23 year old cart girl if you are a guy in his 40's or above.

Don't dress like Ricky Fowler if you are older than 35. There is a 32-year old guy in our group who dresses in Puma gear because he likes Fowler. He is right on the verge of looking really stupid.

I don't think that dressing like Ricki Flower makes a guy look stupid. Now as far as his heterosexuality,..................

Horseballs wrote:A man should also never pull out some garbage Top Flite on the tee of a par 3 over water. Unless he has been playing the same garbage Top Flite for all the other holes.

It seems to me most Callaways are Top-Flites.

FamousDavis wrote:He should never:

Use iron covers

Wear Dickies shorts

Spit sunflower seeds on the green

Here is a big one and something I've seen at country clubs. Don't flirt and hug the 23 year old cart girl if you are a guy in his 40's or above.

Don't dress like Ricky Fowler if you are older than 35. There is a 32-year old guy in our group who dresses in Puma gear because he likes Fowler. He is right on the verge of looking really stupid.

Ricky Fowler looks stupid himself so anybody dressing like that DB is going to look twice as stupid.

Kiwigolfer wrote:

FamousDavis wrote:He should never:

Use iron covers

Wear Dickies shorts

Spit sunflower seeds on the green

Here is a big one and something I've seen at country clubs. Don't flirt and hug the 23 year old cart girl if you are a guy in his 40's or above.

Don't dress like Ricky Fowler if you are older than 35. There is a 32-year old guy in our group who dresses in Puma gear because he likes Fowler. He is right on the verge of looking really stupid.

Ricky Fowler looks stupid himself so anybody dressing like that DB is going to look twice as stupid.

I don't think he looks stupid. I actually think it's kind of a cool look for a younger guy. Better than that guy with the personality of a dirt sandwich Webb Simpson.

I buy most of my golf clothes at Costco now anyway. Well, with the exception of their golf shirts. I buy the Greg Norman golf shorts for $19.99 and a couple of Puma shirts for $19.99. They have the Kirkland golf shorts for $14.99. Oh, and yesterday I was at Costco and they have the Ecco golf shoes for $79. They have a brown pair and a white pair.

I tell you, there's nothing like buying a two-pack of Log Cabin syrup, three dozen eggs, a case of motor oil, some tomato plants for your garden and then some golf shorts all at the same store.

Some people are meant to be losers all there life.
Unless you try, you'll never know in life. Risk reward.

A buddy of 50 single mind you. Hit on the 26 year old beverage girl. Score winning.
Not once, twice, two hotties. I helped orchestrate of course.
We are the envy of league night.
If I need to shit, I shit were I need to. When I need to piss, I stand right next to my opponent, and I whip it out, they lose.

I never buy shirts at Costco or any golf related apparel. Rule #1

By the way I'm hooking up a buddy with #9 this year. She's hot single, bored horny, and upbeat in a nice way, and 24 he's 40.
She has these 2 things above her fine ass that look like electrical connections, some kind of piercing.
I had her cleaning my shop the other day, as we worked on her car. A Chrysler 300 with a hemi, and 22" wheels. I had her bend over a lot. Yeah I'm a dirty old man.

You should tell your buddy to bring a freshly-charged 12 volt battery with him on their first date and some leads to connect the battery terminals to her above-ass connections. Maybe real good times ensue, eh? Might be real shocking.

Nice to come back here and see the old guys are still active. Except Dave. I thought of him after I was supposed to meet up with a new gf a couple of weeks ago, only to find she was the one gunned down by her ex bf and on the local news. I'd visit him but the coward offed himself too. When I saw his picture I realized he was the one who had been glowering at me in a local bar. It all hangs by a thread gents. Here in Utah you don't even need a permit. Yes, I may have dodged a literal bullet. I generally take license but all of this is true.

I moved my principal residence to Utah. I now spend 51% or more of my time there which means no California income taxes. I still keep a small place in Redondo Beach. Utah is where us middle aged white guys will make our final stand. They did question my American-ness because of my accent, but if you buy them a few drinks and drink in their bars they'll do anything for you.

California is fucked and will only get worse. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love beaners. I just don't like paying for them or having to press a button if I want to do it in English, and I definitely don't like people who are here illegally shaping our politics. But without them there would be few burritos to be had, if any, and car washes would cost like double.

The reason I came back was thri-fold. I am now accepting of my post 50 age. I'm not the same p#ssy chasing Zo. Although by living in Park City I do get a steady stream of women coming to visit me. I'll tell you about one of them. She was a designer who was a friend but we never had crossed the line. During her visit this winter, she started crying about not having had sex in months and the that her breasts were a C cup and she was still hot at 38. Then she leaned back to show me her claimed C-s. Ok, she'd had had a couple of drinks. I'm still a breast man so I questioned C and asked for full proof. Her drought ended, I realized she looked great without clothes and that the friend to fuckbuddy transition doesn't have to be awkward. After 50 you're just grateful when something like that happens. In the past I'd have taken it for granted but at this point it's all winding down.

Reason two is, I can't remember reason two. It could have had to do with the Masters, I'm not sure. I will say if I handled marketing for Vaseline, I'd try and sign Tiger.

Reason three is I just had all of the patches from the sun burned off my face and can't go outside for a while or risk emotionally scarring anyone who sees me. I was never good looking above the neck but I wasn't the Elephant man either, until now.

Listen, if any of you guys ski, I'm now a local at Park City and Deer Valley. Snowbird and Alta are just two canyons away. Solitude and Brighton just one. It's looking like I'll be teaching or hosting a couple of days a week next year at Deer Valley. Come on by and I'll Kevin you a series of lessons. The world's best mountain biking is here too.

Life's still good, hope you're all well.

Back in '67 I did a cross-country trip prior to going to war. One of the stops was SLC where we stayed a couple of days with the family who moved west from PA coupla years earlier to be close to the wife's Mormon clan. The folks were Mormons of the smoking and drinking kind. They lived in a 'burb named Sandy and took us up the canyon to ski Alta one morning. First time I'd ever ski'd west of northeastern PA, NY and Vermont. The top was closed due to 80 mph winds but a thousand feet or so below was open and it was the most drop dead gorgeous skiing I ever did. Later that afternoon my father, our host and I played 18 holes at their country club close to their house. Have fun out there and take care of your skin.